Go Baffled

Being baffled is one of the great secrets to meeting people who don’t know beans. People who see me baffled tend to come over and I just stay baffled. Perplexed themselves, they take a good look at me. It’s a tremendous experience and better than working on crossword puzzles in church.

Inaugural Looseness

You would have to stay loose about this for it to happen, but millions out in the cold in D.C. can seem mighty bleak on a frigid inaugural day in January. All we’d have to do to change it is to stay loose and schedule elections on the first Tuesday in July. Come September 20^th at noon we could all enjoy a fine fall day sitting out on the grass listening to a presidential speech in shirt-sleeve comfort. There would be no more of this shivering stuff and trying to act brave in the cold. Let’s implement a little leadership and start looking forward to going to the polls on the first Tuesday in July.

Rule 001 in a STAY LOOSE life

Your looks could very well be your biggest trump card. But hold on. Suppose when you look in the mirror it’s really bad. STAY LOOSE about it. Why would you change to conform to what the public thinks is good looking. Avoid it like the plague. But let's say you look like Jeff Goldblum in the late stages of the movie "The Fly." If you are rot gut ugly why care as long as you exercise LEADERSHIP and go out and meet lots of people. There will always be someone who likes your face. Your face, if you will consider Jim Carey, is a gold mine. Think of it as a new wrinkle on presenting yourself. Spend 10 seconds each morning contorting it into outlandish expressions. You will have what is called flexibility in the puss. How it can be distorted will give you an edge in face to face contact. Come up with an expression worthwhile. Do what the shrink people do: Look people in the face. Remember that people desperately want in your face entertainment. The crux of it is good screwed up looks. It means you can impress others without having to prove yourself with much else. Your animated power puss means that your face is armament. Put life in your visage and vitality in your nose as you twist and purse your lips. Be read like a book. Don't get put on the shelf unopened. Let no one slam your covers shut. Just make sure you create a dynamic facial front that stands as a timeless standard in a crass world of wacko icons.

Glorifying Crime

I’ve seen that movie about this guy who’s a godfather and he has a lot of people around him. I’ve seen it fifty times bits and pieces and the net, net bottom line of it is that it makes crime look good because everything is so slick. The scenery is great and the acting is superb and that’s precisely how evil sucks you in. They do it with a story that gets you to identify with the bad side of people and so you wind up hoping for them to come out smelling like a rose even though their goals are brutal.

Stay Away from Mobs

Stay away from mobs to survive. You can tell when a mob is forming when you, as a shopper, begin to push and shove. It’s a sure tip-off that you’re going nuts. At that point make for the exit but don’t think it’s anyone else who’s crazy cuz it’s you. Wear a helmet and bullet-proof vest, shoulder and knee pads and industrial strength steel-toe shoes. It’ll help.

I Gave Pony Rides

Once we landed from our flight I parked the plane and the Shetland pony whinnied and leaped out and there were some kids hanging around and I gave them pony rides then left the airport heading into town but the road was closed because of mud and so I got the pony to pull me through it on a cardboard box.

We got downtown where I dropped the pony off at my aunt’s place in a sleazy hotel and then I got a bite to eat of some stuff that Anthony No Reservations on TV likes for food. I had a large pig-eating worm for a snack and they took my Visa card and gave me back a Master Charge as change.

The waitress was cool so I said I can take you away from all this and she said how and I said just watch so we walked out of there and flagged down a man driving a limo and we got in and we paid off the driver and took the limo over to Wendover where we got one of those roast horse buffet meals with some fried sheep’s eyes for appetizers and my date the waitress gobbled them up like they were rotten eggs.

a face like hitler

Once when I was an avid pilot I went out to the airport to fly and I thumbed a ride to get there. A lady said to me get into my car and she had huge lips they were so big you couldn’t see her nose and wanted to kiss me and gave me the big come on.

I shouted at her and said no through a bull horn that I had with me and it was battery operated and so she really got the message and swerved into oncoming traffic the noise was so upsetting to her. Finally she calmed down and I reached over to turn on the radio and she had a little cage filled with six rabbits where ordinarily a radio would be in the car but she didn’t seem to give a crap and kept feeding candy bars to the animals. Then she asked me if I wanted some and I said yah so she brought out a bag of dog chow and said “here chew on this,” in Chinese and I was stunned since she had a face like Hitler but not to worry I like roast beef.

So I finally made it to the airport where a buddy of mine with only four fingers on each hand was readying an airplane for me and I thought gee this is great and I got in it with my Shetland pony which was a pint sized animal and it loved flying and so away we went….to be cont.