I Gave Pony Rides

Once we landed from our flight I parked the plane and the Shetland pony whinnied and leaped out and there were some kids hanging around and I gave them pony rides then left the airport heading into town but the road was closed because of mud and so I got the pony to pull me through it on a cardboard box.

We got downtown where I dropped the pony off at my aunt’s place in a sleazy hotel and then I got a bite to eat of some stuff that Anthony No Reservations on TV likes for food. I had a large pig-eating worm for a snack and they took my Visa card and gave me back a Master Charge as change.

The waitress was cool so I said I can take you away from all this and she said how and I said just watch so we walked out of there and flagged down a man driving a limo and we got in and we paid off the driver and took the limo over to Wendover where we got one of those roast horse buffet meals with some fried sheep’s eyes for appetizers and my date the waitress gobbled them up like they were rotten eggs.

a face like hitler

Once when I was an avid pilot I went out to the airport to fly and I thumbed a ride to get there. A lady said to me get into my car and she had huge lips they were so big you couldn’t see her nose and wanted to kiss me and gave me the big come on.

I shouted at her and said no through a bull horn that I had with me and it was battery operated and so she really got the message and swerved into oncoming traffic the noise was so upsetting to her. Finally she calmed down and I reached over to turn on the radio and she had a little cage filled with six rabbits where ordinarily a radio would be in the car but she didn’t seem to give a crap and kept feeding candy bars to the animals. Then she asked me if I wanted some and I said yah so she brought out a bag of dog chow and said “here chew on this,” in Chinese and I was stunned since she had a face like Hitler but not to worry I like roast beef.

So I finally made it to the airport where a buddy of mine with only four fingers on each hand was readying an airplane for me and I thought gee this is great and I got in it with my Shetland pony which was a pint sized animal and it loved flying and so away we went….to be cont.

DDS (Doctor of Dental Stuff)

There’s this dentist close by who closes his office on Friday and on his phone says to call his home if you have a toothache emergency on a Friday but he doesn’t put his home phone number on the announcement and so when you call information you can get it but when you call it it’s disconnected and you have to STAY LOOSE at a time like this since it’s so absurd and the DDS is so stupid.

STAY LOOSE as a mental attitude comes in handy in the face of a sham so you leave a reply on the Dr.’s office announcement and you laugh of course into the phone all the while you’re telling the dentist how you don’t happen to have his number tattooed on your arm so you don’t have it handy and you’re laughing into the phone while you talk telling him how good this is cuz it’s so brainless.

But it’s material and you like to laugh and it’s high level thoughtlessness that creates a whale of a lot of laughs and you tell him to keep up the good work since what is it except top flight entertainment while you ache from laughing and the ache seems to be in your molar at the back.

Foreign Speakers

There’s a sign on the door as you walk in. It advertises hiring new people and would the applicants please speak Spanish too. It would seem that this is to help Spanish speakers communicate. What’s bad is the assumption present. It says that you folks who don’t speak English are on the low end of the ability to speak English so we, the more able native English speakers will come to you. It’s easier for us to learn your language because we are learners and we know it’s hard for you to learn English because that would mean you’d have to work at concentrating. In a nutshell the assumption underlying the crafting of signs announcing that we speak Spanish too is that no foreign speaker has the brains to communicate in English so we’ll do the stretching. We can do this and we’ll handily learn your language seeing that you’re so unable. In fact we’ll set up our offices so you won’t have to broaden yourselves. It’s interesting to note that LDS missionaries learn languages in six months plus the actual truth that foreign speakers are not dumb. It’s terrifically funny. Signs touting that English speakers will learn your language pretty well always seem to suggest to the world that native Spanish speakers are short of verbal intelligence. Signs in a foreign language instead of common English say to foreign people you think you’re helping that they are not so smart and that you’re doing them a great big favor.

OJT Develops Gov. Palin's Talent

This one guy California knew said to someone how come no one hugs around here and with that you could say he might be hug-conscious but he didn’t get around and so you might even wonder what he compared his immediate lonesomeness to as if he’d been finding out who hugs and to what extent and you could ask what is meant by a hug like is it when mites jump off a huggee to a hugger or back to the huggee and like is it a full front hug or one from the side sort of like it looked like Senator McCain gave Governor Palin and you’d be thinking just how huggable is a woman with only a little experience as a mayor and two years as a governor, but when you’d think how credible is experience anyway when what we really want is a massive truck load of talent and Palin has it in spades what with coming in pretty good in a beauty pageant and you know how cruel those are and just think of the cutting remarks she had to take from the other girls possibly and then going and stumping for governor and winning and that really takes tremendous talent and so you can’t say she can’t do it when she really can do it really well just given a chance because you know that the vice-presidency is absolutely OJT as is the presidency for which there are no courses offered.

Rapid Astute Rendezvous Euphoria

A friend comes up and says he went to a RARE and it was to give a roomful of ladies some really quick smart insight into his usefulness for dating and so he sat at a table with three potential date women who looked him over and who then made some snap judgments on just what sort of a man he was and then measured him by a yardstick of sorts and then he went to the next table and told his story again in maybe two minutes to cram his life in their faces and then it was on to the next table to recount the same rehearsed story and let’s hope it was entertaining because you need to be if you want to get a date and by the fifth table with three females again scrutinizing him he had gotten figure on it pretty good at oiling up his story for speed and it was basically that he was a STAY LOOSE man who had once preferred marriage to a midget lady and that drew some staccato quick questioning which he fielded nicely and what the whole description of the thing later boiled down to was that the ladies were now hot after him and he had to put in ear plugs to keep out the tapping sounds on his window at night and the money slipped under his door at 2 a.m. and it’s all amazing to me the amazee how much dating LEADERSHIP he actually exercised.

Maybe She’s Good Looking

This friend of mine comes up to me yesterday basically slobbering and says he met this girl she’s really good looking and I’m saying yah, sure, yah, yah, sure, sure, yah, sure, sure, yah, yah, she’s really good looking I’ll bet I’m saying to myself and when you see her she’s not good looking but maybe to him and that’s OK but think about the stock he’s putting into how good looking she is and he says she’s really young and he’s 75 and you wonder in six months if she’s gonna be asking him can I get this new boom box and can we go to the rock concert and I wanna see that show with American idol and he has no clue about a woman that he thinks is good looking but he would if he read DATING JACKPOT JANE since it would help in the STAY LOOSE department where he isn’t right now because he’s gone nuts over some face and why is it and you know why cuz his brain is run by his cajones and all he can gauge a lady by is what is she on the surface and if she’s really good on the surface it can only follow that she must have excelled in all the other qualities that are needed to make a relationship a good one but boy at 75 guess how much he still has to learn and in a nutshell I understand it but I don’t understand it.

Piano Movers or Not

It’s hard to understand what goes on whenever someone tells you that they’ve been roped into moving a piano and you quickly think of a huge piano that could weigh maybe a quarter of a ton or more and why would you involve yourself in furthering along addle-brained behavior as seen in three or four men moving a piano that weighs an awful lot when they could have said aaah, no, and then recommended trading it in on a keyboard and you can get keyboards these days that are absolutely above and beyond anything that a weighty piano could produce music-wise or else why wouldn’t Paul Shaffer opt for a full sized huge behemoth of a piano with which to entertain millions as Letterman’s music man but no he definitely has not opted for the grand instrument simply because you can move a keyboard weighing about 15 pounds with ease there it’s done and you don’t have to hire a moving company with men in coveralls and matted mats with which to cover the piano and it’s because someone said earlier hey why buy a half ton piano when we can get the same effect and actually much better merely by exercising our consummate piano artistry on a keyboard thus changing our skill to that of excellent keyboard artistry and look at what we’ve done; a lot really, relieving ourselves of the worry of having to wrestle and roll and cart massive instruments around whenever we want to go someplace.

Scurrying Not Really Needed

There’s this guy in the vicinity of where California Gibb lives who scurries a lot and he’s like these five other guys C.G. knows, one’s about 66 the other’s about 64 and one’s 67 and then there’s the 54 year old one and then another 67 year old and a ton of other guys that C.G. knows who scurry a lot and basically bust a gut trying to make do and get around when they know very well about DATING JACKPOT JANE the book or at least a summary of it but they continue on alone and not getting a complete balanced diet cuz they eat whoppers too often when they could STAY LOOSE using male LEADERSHIP and merely use the phone which maybe they don’t figure could help at a time like this but if a man only knows how much the knockout babes like to get a phone call from somebody who once he’s made the call won’t talk too much but will more or less shut up until the lady says I can pick you up for the dance and I’ve got this hamper I’ll put some cold cuts and Italian bread in and then you can only figure he’s doing the right thing and knowing C.G. he’d bet that the lady’ll pay his overdue utilities if he’d just shut up and listen to her and then dance with her at the dance, is this one for the mentally challenged or could it make some real sense.

Brushing While Moving as Pure Stay Loose

Once in a while you’ll hear someone say that they’ve decided to start brushing their teeth again and you think why ever did they decide upon that gem of wisdom and it came to California Gibb because he’s a brushing guy, that that sort of inspiration could very well devolve upon someone, anyone, while one is driving down the street since it’s on the various boulevards that C. G. himself often puts his brush in mouth and begins to scour vigorously being that he knows the value of good dental health which would be conducive to overall health, and so it is while driving along noting with keen interest how folks do any number of things while driving, he dutifully reaches and retrieves his brush from alongside a pen that he keeps in case he needs to make notes and then he proceeds to pass people while brushing but which, you can imagine, could make some people go aaarghhhhh and vomit when they wonder what C.G. is going to do with the voluminous spittle as it accumulates via brushing and the answer is if you can STAY LOOSE using LEADERSHIP here he thinks of the man on a raft for 76 days in the book ADRIFT who ate every last morsel of any fish he caught and so learning from this and using every last bit of meat hidden between his teeth when he finds a fragment he swallows everything all at once and how hard can that be.